Just for perspective: Oxford’s dictionary word for the year 2018 is toxic.
It is commonplace for people to talk about feeling drained, exhausted, and in my local language “ubos na ubos na” (there’s nothing left). Why do we feel constantly drained, and never having had enough sleep?
How can we feel energized again? Juice cleanse? Better coffee? Maybe if the office politics could just tone down A BIT then MAYBE MAYBE we can get some peace around here.
Is that genuinely the answer?
Here’s a possible answer from someone who just happens to viscerally see energy:
You give away your energy for the dumbest fucking shit.
Continuous Lying to put up a self-image so that maybe people can love you finally. Validate you. So that for once in your life you can be accepted by your parents, society or whatever body of fiction you think should approve of your actions, reasons and experiences. Caring about other people’s lives and comparing yourself to them and it goes on and on.
Til then, you do not rest.
Til then, you quite literally keep choking yourself, bending over backwards, and being this constantly depleted vending machine of – ah but they can’t think of me as being a bad son or boyfriend, or stupid oh no no no I must put up appearances and tire myself to the bone. I want to find a place where I feel like I belong, or I feel stable and not cause trouble–
It’s another way of telling yourself –
I can’t be Me.
I can’t be my own unique energy. I can’t be the creator and sole authority of my life. I can’t sing the song that is my heart – I can’t truly become All that I am because the world won’t let me and deep down I’m truly scared of the World.
You’ve chosen that – you believe that.
You think that giving away all your time and energy to keep up with appearances, will somehow “help” you. As if giving away parts of your energy, your unique signature, –like sloppily chopping up a ferrari for spare parts was the point of a ferrari.
Great! Wonderful vehicle. Let’s cut it up and give it to everybody else.
Drive your. fucking. ferrari.
You keep giving yourself away, thinking – oh but older people have more wisdom. Other people know better about what’s really acceptable. Other people will make me feel better about myself. I’ll be loved if I’m in a relationship/ that job/ house / the ‘perfect’ body / when I “Win”.
That arbitrary fictitious “thing” outside of you, that is quite literally other than you; will somehow – make YOU more YOU. “complete”
Read this, if you can.
IT’S NOT YOU.
You’re parents are not you, their expectations are not you, the ideal woman man, idealized success and presumptions of what a normal sane person looks like-
All. Obviously. Not. You. Read that like a fucking mantra for 10,000 times.
Where did you find all of those? Did you find those within yourself or did you pick that from somewhere else? How much did you observe and assess those things you think real? Why are you carrying them? Why are you hauling them around or giving them all your time, love and attention? Do you even like them?
When you do notice that you’re carrying them what’s stopping you from putting them down? Do they have barbs? Hooks – telling you a program that you’ll be nothing without all of these, condition one two three.
Now, just a possibility.
If you drop all of that, you might just find yourself.
You might have time for yourself.
Your might have energy for the things that actually matter.
You might actually genuinely mean the things that you say and do the things that you are doing.
You may become – more Real.
Not that the things that you do are more important than other people, it’s just more meaningful and sincere to who you actually are and who you’re discovering yourself to be. You might just stand up for yourself and your needs.
Heck you might start to know them.
The “Know Thyself” trite?
You’d actually have an answer and you’d nod your head and be like- yes I know what I’m made of. I did the work of sitting down, and letting everything fall away until it is no one but myself and really Realize. Realize in the most deepest sense of that world, what your beingness, and your wholeness is really like.
Your unedited desire.
Your natural state of ease.
Your preferences, which you would still have – and the self fucking commitment to show up for yourself and energy and be –
I’ve found my truth. I’ve found the fountain, and tap and the wellspring of what “I AM” is and I allow it to radiate, unfettered and unencumbered in my reality.
You KNOW when to say no.
You KNOW when something is not right for you and doesn’t match what your Real you is.
You’re FULLY PRESENT because you’re fucking engaged in the game of life – and life ENRICHES YOU, comes up to meet you – because you know what truly matters to you now. All the flies, parasites, all those hooks just die away.
And guess what – you won’t. feel. drained.
You are pulled to the vision of all that you are and all that you create.
You become untouchable in a sense, as you command what the hell you’re all about and you know why you’re doing it. You can still be scared, you can still be uncomfortable, but you have this deep knowing and ROOTEDNESS to the unique energy that is only you. And it is complete. It is whole. It doesn’t need validation.
And you will trade nothing for that, because that is the only thing that you have.
And it’s worth more than any gold.
I hope you see it.
You see you.