You know that scene from Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse where Miles Morales just takes the leap of Faith to finally become Spiderman? Or take any literal movie hero where they made the snap, but Total decision to finally become what they were “born” to be?
How many times have you experienced that in Real life?
I know, I know, it’s just a story. The tried and tested Heroes Journey of a chosen one going out of the world of all he has known and coming back winning, a hero. But that’s just a story.
Are you Sure? Umm. Can you suspend all disbelief for just one second and hear this: All that shit you see in movies, in books? Where characters suddenly gain the courage and power to do things they could never dream beyond their little town of tatooine or hobbiton? How their worlds are shaken and turned upside down ? Where they’re tested by fire?
And not just True as in it can be True. What I’m referring to is Fundamental Truth. Meaning it’s the essence of life. Meaning there’s a reason why coming of age stories, and being born into almost supernatural greatness is The One Story that keeps popping up in our Over Culture Consciousness. A part of you thinks it’s not true.
Well let’s look at non-fictional examples.
- Every gay guy who’s ever had to come out to a conservative family. It’s either the miracle of acceptance or he had to remake his world from scratch if he was to embrace his sexuality.
- Black Slaves insisting they weren’t Slaves.
- Heck Mandela, or every fucking starving artist who was told they couldn’t make a living from their art and came out a millionaire.
You see the version of “tatooine” or “life as you know it” everywhere, if you care to look. Everybody has their story of their world was shattered and they had to remake it. EVERYONE. Somebody died. They lost their job. They have a baby! CRAZY CHANGE happens all the time and we don’t acknowledge or even wield it enough.
To be Downright Honest.
I also had difficulty acknowledging that the world/ your world could change at a snap of the moment. You’d think it’d be easier for me right ?
I can access different energy signatures both in the past and the future.
Send and channel energy from higher beings and heal physical ailments/physical miracles.
But I could never (at that time) imagine that I could move out of my parent’s house. THAT. Sounded crazier to me than remote healing energy. It was My Impossible. Not anymore. My tail end of 2018- 2019 has been a series of almost DAILY world turning, snapping BECOMING Spiderman levels of Superhumanly ME. I mean look at some of these. I feel like I could list 20. Not the most palatable number to read through but hey I really feel like documenting this properly.
01. I DISCOVERED MY ORIGINAL SIGNATURE
Yeah. When people talked about the shape of people’s soul, I understood it theoretically. Like yes, without the angel energies and the nasty projections, there’s the particular expression of your life force. Sure. What’s mine though?
And you know, there’s ACTUAL METAPHYSICAL exercises to familiarize yourself with your imprint. IT’S MARVELOUS. I never thought I would get it in under a week (heck i think my turning point was just a day) BUT HELL THAT happened to me in 2018!!
02. I ACKNOWLEDGED MY TRAUMA AS A CHILD
I. Well. The thing with entombed emotions in the subconscious is that you never really want to visit them. That’s why you buried them in the first place. I’ve mentioned it in my blog before but I never pierced this as deeply as I have (more than a few times) this 2019, that I have legit killed my artist self for a solid 10 years.
I have continuously denied and bent myself over for other people’s opinions of me rather than going things I was genuinely interested in. I believed that I wasn’t supposed so sing, or write, or make a living off of pictures. Writing fiction was ludracris. Even recalling this now I can feel the rope tighten against my throat. For many years I was living a half life. And I had to mourn that.
03. I REALIZED I COULD HAVE A RELATIONSHIP
This one is a whammy. Um. And this went about in a very unconventional way so bear with me.
Since I was a kid, I thought I was the ugly dorky sibling. I’ve never had been in a relationship not even those cute little mutual understandings in high school. It used to be a big insecurity. I remember the first time a guy expressed he liked me (though indirectly) I cried because I never thought I was beautiful. (I know, very sad).
So anyway, I talk a lot to my main spirit guide, his name is Jeremiah. And if you’re unfamilair with the concept think of guides as higher versions of you, and even if you can’t believe in them, it’s really healthy self therapy to imagine a kind wise voice isn’t it?
I was talking to Jeremiah about my insecurities about never having been in a relationship. You see in a few readings (tarot+astrological) it was an uncannily common theme for me that, the thing that would balance me out, in my multiple passions and pursuits, and heck make me more money – is if I could find a partner who was my divine balance. Ate Jammi (my mentor) told me last aug 2018 that I had 3 potential and I wasn’t seeing it.
During new year’s even of 2018, I was full-heartedly talking to Jeremiah about this, who am I not seeing? Also I kept telling him I WANT To be ready. I AM ready. And he was guiding me through the whole thing – why did I want to be in a relationship? what did I want it to look like? What were my previous false beliefs that I’m willing to let go of now?
It was a lot of unpacking. AND IN ONE FELL SWOOP. I demanded him almost, PLEASE. PLEASE show me someone I can love who can support me in all the ways mentioned that we talked about. Someone who can ground me, someone who’s more mature, someone who I can roll with on an energetic level. Someone smart and interesting and loving and kind and who would love me back.
And then jeremiah said. Okay. This guy (let’s hide him in the codename N). Jeremiah said please check out N. And I was like? What??? Him?? He’s too old. And then he said, check N. And I was still arguing how he seemed to anxious for me and a bunch of other excuses and then jeremiah said:
Check your synastry chart.
Example of a synastry chart:
To the unfamiliar a synastry chart is how your natal birth energies match astrologically. I find that if you know how to read astrology well, without the projections and the oh-this-is-my-fate complex it’s actually really INSANELY helpful. So I’m actually not bad at it.
So I checked our our synastry, I luckily knew his birthyear from one of his offhand comments about his age. So I checked it…
It was near. perfect.
I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. THE AMOUNT OF GOOSEBUMPS I GOT. THE FIREWORKS OF THE NEW YEAR WAS LIKE COINCIDING WITH THE MINDFUCK THAT I WAS HAVING. I WANT TO EXPLAIN BUT THIS WOULD SOUND FUCKING CRAZY.
You see statistically, that’s almost impossible. For all your planets to have harmonious angles to each other. BUT WE DID. His venus is my sun. My moon is his sun sign. Hell the whole “you need someone to ground you” HE WAS A LUNAR CAPRICORN, one of the most practical signs ever. AND IT WAS DOWN TO THE DETAIL. Upto the outermost planets, we have the same rhythm for life, the same wide curiosity and hands in too many pies it waS LIKE WRIT BY THE FUCKING STARS.
And what’s crazy was throughout the whole synastry chart, the same theme kept popping up: You will both enjoy your freedom together. Freedom my main theme lately. Something he’s insanely good at. (He’s a travel photographer). His literal job was a dream of mine back in high school.
For me to imagine, or BELIEVE That I could be in a relationship with him, I needed to imagine that I could be Successful and Free Artist. Something I struggled with in the 3rd quarter of 2018. I had to imagine that I could be his Frida Kahlo, the Yoko to his Lennon. Yea? And it literally rewired my circuits that ??? oh damn yea I technically choose my life for myself.
Also the details kind of steam rolled me into the floor. All my little wishes when I was in college for the love of my life. HE. HAD. Like it was. It was fucking ridiculous. I always wanted my beau to dance tango. He danced tango. I always found spanish the sexiest thing on earth, He Fucking speaks spanish. Also I also always loved artists?? And he reads a lot, and is unapologetic about his thoughts when he posts about his arts and I found that so fucking attractive? Because I wanted that for myself.
I wanted Me to not apologize for my Art. And oooooh boy don’t we project at the things we like don’t we? I’ve mentioned in the blog before that I use writing fiction as a form of healing. The day before this earth shattering moment I wrote my characters overcoming their trauma because they fell in love with someone who believed in the Art, their light. Their love swallowed the fear whole.
And fuck I realized that was what I was doing. That yes, I’m still insecure about my art but hell, if it’s collaborating with YOU. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE. Then well, maybe I could make things again.
04. Which Snowballed..
into me planning writing 3 books by the end of the year. they’re penned in for the last quarter of 2019 and what’s crazy is I really genuinely believe I can get them published.
05. I genuinely believed in my artistic voice as a dancer. Hell I’ve been a dancer for 5 years now and I’m still nervous about being recorded on video which is stupid as fuck. How the hell am I gonna share my art? So I submitted an entry form to join my first solo competition. And what’s crazy is I’m fully decided on recording it and posting it on my facebook.
06. Similarly I plan recording more fun dance videos with friends during the upcoming manila salsa congress. I mean this doesn’t sound like much but as someone who once saw herself as unattractive, for me to say AH YES. I’ll post a vid of myself partner dancing on the beach in a swimsuit IS FREAKCING YEARS OF PROGRESS FOR ME AND IM CLAIMING IT.
07. I also love talking about dance. So this tail end of feb-beggining of march I’m accompany my grandmom to the philadelphia flower show. And I’m actually going to dance clubs. ALONE (freedom anyone?). And I actually plan to pop in to classes and VLOG! Interview people about dancing.
I always had this dream before to be this travel documentor ala HONY and Anthony Bourdain in terms of really witnessing and understanding different social dance forms and how they show the values and principles of a community. I really adore partner dancing. And I thought, OK. If you want to do this with N someday, wouldn’t it be cool if you could say you already did it by yourself by feb?
And you know what I said to myself? I said Yea! I said yea, ok let’s give it a shot! I’m also finally learning blues and west coast swing which is a bucketlist of mine
08. I LAUNCHED A BUSINESS. AND IT’S MY OWN ART
I wasn’t kidding about the dizzying expanse of my own progress. I make resin plant jewelry. And posted about them on facebook. I even waxed poetic in my descriptions cause I thought , you know what N, if you want to know the real me, this is what I Actually Actually think about when I make my art.
I’m still shocked to be honest with how OKAY people are about you being sentimental about death and dried flowers, I mean how many times do I not share something I love with the fear of being judged? TOO OFTEN. SO this was a damn power move to me.
09. MIRACULOUS FAIR
Someone asked me to sell at creativity fair and it’s even called revealing your truth?
10. I MET A JEWELER
she taught me about how to rate your art pieces
11. THE LITERAL NEXT DAY, THAT I DECIDED MY CONSIGNEE RATES SHE TAUGHT ME. SOMEONE OFFERED TO CONSIGN ME.
Yo my business isn’t even a month old a this time.
12. THEY OFFERED ME FREE MATERIALS. DRIED FLOWERS AND ALL THAT.
13. PEOPLE HELPED ME??? They sent me stuff to mold stuff out of ??
14. I FOUND SANDING DISKS AT THE PERFECT TIME AT THE THEATER COMPANY IM PART OFF??
15. I FOUND PEOPLE Who taught me about their resin work experience for free? told me where to buy stuff and downright encouraged me on how to make money.
16. SOMEONE OFFERED TO PUT MY STUFF IN A SOUVENEIR SHOP IN AN ART MUSEUM
17. ALSO. Manifestation is STUPID fast
when you actually know why you want things, and why they’re gonna be of benefit to your personal growth???
Like one day I was having a hard time getting N to talk to me (I mean he’s in the philippines – yay! but I Have no valid reason to see him since he’s not going out to salsa lately and he’s honestly busy. But I also saw our potential working together. I mean since I’m an empath I can tell he’s still a little nervous about being naked/vulnerable when trying to tell the truth of his work. and every time I see his timelapse videos , i felt like it should have poetry and i really do love poetry since highschool.)
So I offhandedly wished: can’t he just post on fb that the next trip he’s on, he’s gonna bring some friends with him.
The literal next day.
That is EXACTLY. WHAT. HE. POSTED.
I MEAN I COMMENTED OF COURSE. But by god was that so fricking crazy fast, IT WAS LITERALLY LIKE OFF OF MY HEAD.
18. ALSO MY GAD. I WANTED TO COLLAB WITH HIM
(and we’re collabing) *screaming off into the distance.
Yo okay. Art can be fucking intimate especially when you’re really vulnerable with showing what you hold dear and what you genuinely believe to be your light.
So for me to send a fucking voiceover over one of his time lapses yesterday (ohmahgad) THAT WAS. HOOOOH. THAT REALLY HAD TO TRAMPLE OVER ALL MY ART INSECURITIES TO SAY I CAN BE RECOGNIZED BY A PROFESSIONAL.
But really I was at a point of almost cognitive dissonance, me as an empath/psychic. I kept on agreeing with the beingness of his work (chasing the sun in places he’s never been in before) but the feelings he has towards it KEEPS MUDDLING THE TRUTH. LIKE UGH. #UGH. It’s like you’re doing it already boo! STOP OVERTHINKING, TRYING TO CONSTRUCT IT, ANNIHALATE YOURSELF IN TRUTH AND YOU’LL FIND THE GOLD OF YOUR WORK.
I think when you channel as a profession almost. (I act and I channel Virtues when I perform my art) — It’s me presenting my truth that I’m most confident in. I can read energy. I’m very damn aware what energy I’m weaving into my art. Openness, honesty, curiosity, non-judgement. When I sent him that voice-over I knew to my bones, that I may not be a published poet but I’m tapping the substrata of human experience, and if you would see it N, we could make great things together.
(((((haha yiiiiiiiie kilig)))))
19. MY PARENTS ARE ODDLY LESS CONTROLLING
I think once I let go of the idea that I’m not their child anymore and that I’m deciding to be an adult and be responsible for my own decisions. They jsut can’t dictate me as much, not when I’ve proven them wrong so many times to what is actually good for me (and what my soul longs to do).
20. Also, just to put the icing on the cake.
Jeremiah made me check another guy’s chart and his was also pretty good with mine. One good match is already insane, 2 is some kind of I don’t know what to call it anymore.
Anyhow it looks like energetically though, N is more available than the latter guy. But seeing them lined up I could see how I’m attracted to them from their artistic independence (this other guy founded his own dance x vid company and judging by some of the bucketlist stuff I mentioned about that I now have the courage for that’s also one of my passions) and their capacity to commit and execute it.
SO LET’S CLOSE THIS LONG ASS REPORT
What’s that whole point of making a numbered list of all the shit that’s happened for me? To show you up?
NO. It’s to tell you things will come to you. When you’re ready. I did a lot of fuckign crying and fighting and accepting and healing to realize I could be a Full Time Artist. That I could be Responsible about this, and I could make money off of this if I choose.
And when you finally fucking Decide, it’s like all that universal energy is finally unscattered and laser like focused on the things you want to HEAL, and accomplish.
Because as much as there is the pride of doing all of this, I cannot discount how deeply healing all of this to me is. For example I don’t care if what me and N’s collab would be ‘successful’ in terms of getting a lot of views or whatnot. If I BECOME a person who CAN do that??
That’s fucking growth. All the shit I listed up there, isn’t just all law of attraction heebi jeebies shit, some of them were just ripe fruit for the picking that I’m finally allowing into my life. Like video recording my dance. Hell, wanting a boyfriend.
21. Planning to move out by the end of the year.
SO how’s that for a new year’s resolution update? I beckon you to Transform and play no small games. No, I’ll lose a few pounds.
COMPLETELY TRANSFORM YOURSELF.
TAKE YOUR FEAR, AND CLAIM THE GIFTS THAT ARE INSIDE HER BELLY.
It’s intoxicating. Will tease out how to go about some of the stuff I did such as recognizing your original signature, and feeling your way to the syncronicities of life wanting to help you.
but for now,
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