When you finally stop chasing after teachers

If you don’t have the time to read this entire article then I will summarize it in one line:

All wisdom is already inside of you.

If you need a longer explanation, read on.

I hope you meet the people you’ve so greatly admired, people you’ve revered as masters and learned knowing all the mysteries of this world – and I hope you come out supremely disappointed. Not that I wish ill of you.

It’s just the nature of man, and things to be limited.

And their will always be something infinite within you that will be fucking disappointed in all this seeking.

A story. 

I really love the book series of Mantak Chia, awaken healing light of the tao. Think chinese esoterica mixed with easy to follow and practical tips and an almost medical textbook level of detail. I honest to god three years ago have had his books blow me out of the water and bring me so much internal healing and transformation. It’s still at the top of my recommendation list.

I met one of the co-authors of his books on internal body massage last week. And boy. BOY. I wasn’t impressed. I found an old man who was a victim to his own negative beliefs of chinese traditional medicine and someone who was so enraptured by “magicians” all over the world. Yes he’s seen people who have done miraculous feats, you want to talk about it, I get that. But what I see is a man who has spent so much of his life running around looking for masters hidden in the mountains or in the rivers. Infatuated.

Story number 2.

I really love Frankie Martinez as a salsa artist, I think he has one of the most profound and deep understanding of what latin music is and I think him expressing his truth of what Frankie Martinez is all about is a great grand gift to this world.

I’ve attended a few of his classes, and I can honest to god tell you I’m one of those screaming fangirls when he performs and I’ve done The Work, or researching every little thing that he’s mentioned in class and practiced it on myself. And you know what I realized?

He can’t teach me how to become myself. I will always find him lacking. 

There will be things that he embodies that are congruent with what I want my art to become. But there are like – tomes, entire landscapes and perspectives of what I want my dancing to be that I know I must tread for myself because he doesn’t see it that way. I’ve outgrown my earliest mentors in dancing. You’ll one day outgrow every single person you worship.

Because one day you’ll realize the person you’re looking for is yourself.

All these people I’ve put on a pedestal. All this beauty and greatness that I’ve witnessed.

Try to hear this now.

I only had access to because I had that within myself. You can only meet people as deeply as you’ve met yourself. 

You’ve always taught all of those things to yourself, and just used other people as a mirror, as a projected source of power and authority, to teach you something you already knew. 

Have you ever watched a movie with someone, and took away an extremely different theme from the person who sat right next to you? Exactly. It’s not that we just “color” our experience. We completely render it, we invent it. If a movie was miraculously profound and meaningful relative to the shit that’s going on in your life- You made it so, you’re willingness to see it at that level and let it teach and remind you in that way —- that was all YOU. 


All your tremendous growth, all the knowledge, all the truths you’ve ever ventured out to dive into, and look over the yawning hole of life, consciousness and mystery —

All of that.


Last story.

I channel energy. I typically channel higher beings of healing so that I don’t wear out my mortal energy? soul? , like whatever the fuck that means. And as I’ve been doing this gig for a few years now, I’ve come to realize that even non-physical beings have their limitations in knowing and awareness.

Angels have hierarchies. This spirit guide isn’t as evolved as divine mother. You only have access to larger energies as you become more adept in actually receiving them. Cause let me tell you fam, they’re always there. 


I’ve come to realize, and this is gonna sound like a total bender.

All those higher aspects that I’m channeling. They’re all Me.

Not me, as in the little self, ego me. But Me.

Truth Me, God Me, The Me that is fully tapped, hooked, and drenched swimming in what Divine is. Which is all powerful, wise and loving. There is no impossibility in that True state of my being, and all that I’ve ever miraculously accomplished was the well of 

Power, wisdom, love, grace…

That’s ALWAYS, inside of me.

God within me, for whatever crazy fucked up beliefs we can have tied within that term. DWELLS within me. Like the movie goer I talked about, I was willing to rendevouz with my most divine aspect.

Not just A divine aspect.

I mean THE divine aspect. The be all end all, the fucking alpha omega ending to all the crutches of beings I’ve ever had to deal with because they were step down transformers for me to digest the All Mighty- The One.


All of it, was ever you.

Let’s get back to earth for a second.

So why is it that my personality still feels lost sometimes ? 


Yet I keep hearing everything that I need to hear, at the right moment, in the right way, in the right time. And let me tell you it can sound enormously stupid, these impulses coming from the infinite. For example, I’m nursing a massive crush on an artist, but it’s not just a crush. It’s this karmic unravelling level of mirror work and projection.

(and aren’t we all just mirrors?)

And the fact that I’m both attracted and critical of his work is telling of all the things that I both want and am judgmental of inside of myself. There is only ever yourself, do you understand? All of this is only You. The experience, the life, the knowing. 

Everything I recognize in another is only myself speaking, because if it truly didn’t matter it wouldn’t be in my awareness would it? I wouldn’t be obsessed or attached to it. I wouldn’t be pulled or hooked by it – so what does that tell you? What does it reveal to yourself ? 


With all your triggers, and wounds, and what can I have-nots ? 

And the craziest thing is, you’re literally the only one who can answer that. By fucking definition.

That’s like me coming up to my dance coach and asking – hey what is my unique artistry, expression and beingness that only I can bring into this world, how do I make that thing grow? It’s fucking dumb. You are the most qualified to answer that question, you’re the only one WHO WILL KNOW. ONLY YOU can have access to the wholeness of YOU.

Cause, you’re You?

It’s cyclical I know. But if this post was a picture it would be me just holding up a mirror. I hope you’re brave enough to hear your own answers to all of life’s questions.



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